Changes

Over the past few years, there has been some major changes going on with me. Nothing you can see, well maybe, because people do comment on how mellow and stress free I seem to be. I feel like a new person on the inside. 

Since I can remember I have had struggles in life. Being born with physical deformities (due to a condition known as EDS). Being an out of wedlock child in the later 70s and my mom being a single mom in the beginning and then meeting a man whom she married and had my 2 sister by and he adopted me. Then he was diagnosed with MS and it changed him. He and my mom divorced and in stepped the step parents. Other things happened that made me grow up faster than I should have, which made me want my kids to be kids for as long as possible and I have protected them from some of the things I have dealt with. 

In my teenage years I was diagnosed with PTSD, yes the same thing that some soldiers get after war. With PTSD the worst for me is the depression, because it just comes up out of no where and brings me down. It was due to the PTSD that put me at risk for having PPD, which I did after Harleyann (but I think a lot of that had to do with her being so early and sick) and then I did after JJ, but not as bad. With medication it helped me get over the hurdles. I got through it. Everytime I get into a depression, I get through it, I no longer need the aid of medication to get through it and I haven't in years. 

Which brings me to my changes. I feel as though I have a new sense on life and I look at things differently than I used too. I see people in a different light. Someone asked me not long ago, how I seem so calm, relaxed and stress free. 

Well first I give it to God, my savior, my salvation. 

I have forgiven those that I needed to forgive and believe me it helps, more than you know until you have truly forgiven. To forgive you have to not just say it, but really mean it and forgive from the heart. 

When ever there is a hurdle in my life, I pray about it and give it to God and that is it, I don't think about it anymore. I don't sit and stress about it. I dust off and move on. It is hard to do, but it can be done. I may not go to church and that is ok because God knows who I praise, he hears me and he answers. I read my Bible and I choose to be the loving, caring and non-judgmental person that he wants me to be. 

I have found my own voice and my own mindset the past few years. I have stopped listening to what people tell me I should believe and I find my own information and learn. I never stop learning. 

The best part of the last few years is I have learned to love myself - which had to be the toughest thing of all to do, because I was always self-doubting myself and shaming myself. I used to think I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't loved, that people really hated me but we just my friend to be nice.

I guess my changes are a part of growing up, I don't know, but I know that I feel like a new reinvented person and it looks good and feels good too. 

I have people in my life that love me for me and who truly want to be around me. I have people who will have my back, no matter what. I have an amazing husband that God sent to me at a young age and we have grown together and he is my best friend, my biggest supporter, my rock, my partner, my lover and an amazing father not to just our two children (whom yes drive me insane, but are perfect just the way they are [even on the days I feel like selling them to the zoo]), but also to our nephew. I have a beautiful (not so sweet) daughter whom is trying to find her way in this world, that I have seen God work many miracles through. A son that thinks I hung the moon and stars. A nephew whom I have been Auntie Momma too for many years, whom communicates with me and tells me everything because he respects me. Amazing in-laws whom have been amazing as I have grown, they have been a part of my life over half my life. My mom whom I am thankful for everyday. I work for a program that I love, I believe in and I know amazing things will happen from. I get to touch the lives of people. My job makes me feel good. I work with some amazing powerful women that I learn from. 

I am simply blessed! 

Maybe I have found the keys to happiness and bliss. 

I don't need money to be happy. I just need to be surrounded by those that I love!

I am thankful for what I have. 

I am content.

I am loved!

I am worthy!

I am ME!!!

And I LOVE ME!!!!!