Changes

Over the past few years, there has been some major changes going on with me. Nothing you can see, well maybe, because people do comment on how mellow and stress free I seem to be. I feel like a new person on the inside. 

Since I can remember I have had struggles in life. Being born with physical deformities (due to a condition known as EDS). Being an out of wedlock child in the later 70s and my mom being a single mom in the beginning and then meeting a man whom she married and had my 2 sister by and he adopted me. Then he was diagnosed with MS and it changed him. He and my mom divorced and in stepped the step parents. Other things happened that made me grow up faster than I should have, which made me want my kids to be kids for as long as possible and I have protected them from some of the things I have dealt with. 

In my teenage years I was diagnosed with PTSD, yes the same thing that some soldiers get after war. With PTSD the worst for me is the depression, because it just comes up out of no where and brings me down. It was due to the PTSD that put me at risk for having PPD, which I did after Harleyann (but I think a lot of that had to do with her being so early and sick) and then I did after JJ, but not as bad. With medication it helped me get over the hurdles. I got through it. Everytime I get into a depression, I get through it, I no longer need the aid of medication to get through it and I haven't in years. 

Which brings me to my changes. I feel as though I have a new sense on life and I look at things differently than I used too. I see people in a different light. Someone asked me not long ago, how I seem so calm, relaxed and stress free. 

Well first I give it to God, my savior, my salvation. 

I have forgiven those that I needed to forgive and believe me it helps, more than you know until you have truly forgiven. To forgive you have to not just say it, but really mean it and forgive from the heart. 

When ever there is a hurdle in my life, I pray about it and give it to God and that is it, I don't think about it anymore. I don't sit and stress about it. I dust off and move on. It is hard to do, but it can be done. I may not go to church and that is ok because God knows who I praise, he hears me and he answers. I read my Bible and I choose to be the loving, caring and non-judgmental person that he wants me to be. 

I have found my own voice and my own mindset the past few years. I have stopped listening to what people tell me I should believe and I find my own information and learn. I never stop learning. 

The best part of the last few years is I have learned to love myself - which had to be the toughest thing of all to do, because I was always self-doubting myself and shaming myself. I used to think I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't loved, that people really hated me but we just my friend to be nice.

I guess my changes are a part of growing up, I don't know, but I know that I feel like a new reinvented person and it looks good and feels good too. 

I have people in my life that love me for me and who truly want to be around me. I have people who will have my back, no matter what. I have an amazing husband that God sent to me at a young age and we have grown together and he is my best friend, my biggest supporter, my rock, my partner, my lover and an amazing father not to just our two children (whom yes drive me insane, but are perfect just the way they are [even on the days I feel like selling them to the zoo]), but also to our nephew. I have a beautiful (not so sweet) daughter whom is trying to find her way in this world, that I have seen God work many miracles through. A son that thinks I hung the moon and stars. A nephew whom I have been Auntie Momma too for many years, whom communicates with me and tells me everything because he respects me. Amazing in-laws whom have been amazing as I have grown, they have been a part of my life over half my life. My mom whom I am thankful for everyday. I work for a program that I love, I believe in and I know amazing things will happen from. I get to touch the lives of people. My job makes me feel good. I work with some amazing powerful women that I learn from. 

I am simply blessed! 

Maybe I have found the keys to happiness and bliss. 

I don't need money to be happy. I just need to be surrounded by those that I love!

I am thankful for what I have. 

I am content.

I am loved!

I am worthy!

I am ME!!!

And I LOVE ME!!!!!

A REFLECTION

Today I turn 38 (Officially at 12:07pm). Over the past 38 years I have been through a lot.

I learned that my "daddy" was my adopted dad and that I had a biological one out there. I then watched as my parents divorced. I seen a man step into my mom and my sisters lives that was anything anyone could want in a dad and he took care of us and raised us.

I have had heartaches as I have lost some people close to me, some way before their time, but they all served a purpose while they were here. I learned at a very young age that some people are not meant to have long lives when I lost my best friend. I have cried over lost boyfriends (I know, I know what was I thinking).

I married my best friend when I was just 19 years old (Yes I have been married for 18 years) and I wouldn't change a thing. We together have been through so much and yet here we are stronger than ever.

I have two beautiful kids that mean the world to me. I also have a very special nephew that I think of more as my son and I love him dearly.

Life has dealt me a bad hand at times and I like to think that I have come through them with grace and dignity.

All in all my 38 years have been so extremely blessed.

I have a home, it may be small, but I like it because we don't have to much space separating us. It isn't about the possessions you have, but about the love of those whom surround you.

My life is far from perfect, we have fights, we are argue, sometimes I want to run away, but I can't because I know this is were I am meant to be.

I am happy with my life as I am surrounded by wonderful and supportive family and friends.

I live my life on faith and know that I may not have much here but when I get where I am going my life lived will have been worth it. I look forward to what God has for me in my future and the doors that he will open for me.

I feel blessed that my husband was supportive of me during the years that I stayed at home because I believe it is important to be their for my children and raise them and not depend on a daycare or someone else to do what I should do (not saying that it is wrong for everyone) and when the time came I went out and started to work. I have a great job that allows me to be there for my children when I need to be. I have wonderful co-workers and enjoy my 29 hours a week and summers/holidays/breaks off with my kids.

I am also happy to have 5 weeks to make a little money by working summer school for a few hours 4 days a week and get to hang out with a great group of people. 

I have a wonderful church family, whom I have missed the past few months due to illnesses around this house and some out of town trips. But I am looking forward to getting back to church.

I have friends that are still around even if it is years between when we see each other, but facebook keeps us connected.

I love my life, imperfections and all. I hope that I continue to blessed over the next 38 years of my life.

Life goes on

Sadly when you lose someone you love life still goes on. When you just want the world to stop and go in reverse just to say I love you one more time, it still goes on.

My husband and I have been married for almost 16 1/2 years, which means his family has been my family for that long too. Sadly on June 3rd, his grandfather passed away. We knew it was coming and it was expected, yet it is still a process. We still grieve, we still wish he was here, but we knew it was his time to go home. He was an incredible man. While some in the family may have thought that I was not good enough to be in the family or not good enough for my husband, he was one of the few that welcomed me into the family and accepted me for the person that his grandson loved. I think him for that. Grandpa Jack was a strong, wonderful, kind, faithful, family loving man. He will be missed dearly and always loved by all whom knew him.

I cried when my husband called me and told me he got the call and that he had gone to be with our Lord and Savior. I cried for knowing that we would no longer have him around, I cried for my mother in law because I know what it is like to lose your father. I cried for the rest of his children, for the same reason. I cried for Grandma, his wife of 62 years, because she was devoted to him and he was her life partner. I cried for my husband, sister in law and the rest of his grandchildren, because I have lost most of my grandparents so I know how they feel. But I also cried because I know he is no longer suffering from pain, he is now with his daughter and other loved ones that have gone before, and knowing he is in a so much better place, a place that is waiting on all of us, when it is time for us to be called home.

Tomorrow we will say our last goodbyes to Grandpa Jack and I for one will always remember the wonderful man that he was and I know that one day when I get where I am going, I will see him again.

RIP, I love you and will always miss you Grandpa Jack <3 <3 <3

Walking for Babies

Have used to walk for babies in HONOR of my Micro-Preemie. The past few years I have been unable to walk, due to DH's work schedule then having another baby. But this year my husband and I get to walk again for this wonderful cause. I have supported them since my daughter was born. See my My Micro-Premiee Harleyann post to read more about her. We have been on one crazy journey since we found out we were expecting our first child. From the miscarriage of her twin to her being born at 24 weeks, to her 176 day NICU stay (filled with many many ups and downs), to bringing her home, and life since then. Now at almost 10 years old I look back and I am so Thankful to God and know what a true Blessing I have with her. Yes she is a Special Needs Child, but I would NEVER change that and I will tell the world about my girl, because I am PROUD of her and everything she has accomplished.

Here is the link to my March for Babies page, please if you can help me reach my goal, even if it is just $5 anything will help.

http://www.marchforbabies.org/personal_page.asp?pp=2558245&ct=4&w=5248174&u=Harleyannsmom

My Micro-Premiee Harleyann

This is Miss Harleyann today, along side one of her at just a couple weeks old.

My daughter Harleyann was born on June 2, 2002. She was born 16 weeks to soon. At 24 weeks gestation, she has underdeveloped lungs and eyes. She had to develop vital organs and grow in an incubator. We were unable to hold our precious Angel for the first time until she was over a month old, then not again until she was over two months old. She was underdeveloped and very sick. She had tubes everywhere. With all the advancements that the March of Dimes research has provided saved our baby. The big one is the surfactant that was given to her to help her lungs develop.

Being born at 24 weeks was a challenge, weighing only 1lb 6ozs at birth certainly posses a lot of problems. During her 176 day NICU stay we had to deal with: Respiratory distress syndrome (RDS), Apnea, Intraventricular hemorrhage (IVH), Patent ductus arteriosus (PDA), Necrotizing enterocolitis (NEC), Retinopathy of prematurity (ROP), Jaundice, Anemia, Chronic lung disease (also called bronchopulmonary dysplasia or BPD), and many many infections.

Almost 10 years later we are still dealing with problems that have steamed from her being born prematurely. She wears glasses and is visually impaired due to the ROP, her eyes went as far as her retina's detaching. She is still way behind in learning, she is very socially awkward. We are still looking for answers as to why she is the way she is. Some have even brought up the fact that she has Autistic tendency's which very well could have come from her being born so early.

We need to teach people about Prematurity, it is an illness that effects one their entire lives. Recently my little girl has been having high blood pressure.

Please help me in spreading the word about Prematurity and help me in raising money for the March of Dimes, because what they do is wonderful and we need more answers and more technology in order to help these babies that are born too soon.

Thank you from this Micro-Preemie Mommy.